Whoever said college was fun definitely was NOT an engineer. KELLY: you must find an easy, fun, slacker major. Yeah, so you can have fun in college.
-2/5/01

On the up side DMan (I believe it was him) left me a solution manual for calculus =D Thanks man =)

Speaking of DMan, The Starting Line's rendition of I'm Real is playing on iTunes right now. I believe he's the one who downloaded it to my computer last year.

I love iTunes.

I'm starting to get a headache. Plus I'm thirsty and I have to pee.

Oh yeah, and I have a paper to write.

I'll more likely than not be back later--putting off my paper as usual =P

Feel better Sar!

Saturday was my brother's music gala for LACHSA. I swear they are amazing. It's just hard to believe that all of the performers are at least a couple years younger than me. Especially those opera singers. My mom and her friend couldn't believe the voice coming out of one of the "babyfaced" boys on stage. Anyhow, what really impressed me was the finale. It was a collaboration between the orchestra and the concert choir and man it was amazing. They did Prince Igor and my feekin' goodness it was incredible. It sent chills down my spine and brought tears to my eyes. Literally. You should have been there.

That was my weekend. How about you?

Went to Laguna yesterday. Details on that later.

The brother has a concert this evening, so J is going to let me take off somewhat earlier than usual =X For some reason traffic on the 405 looked awful. Saturday afternoons usually aren't that bad. I'm just hoping that it'll clear up later on.

My blogs have become increasingly mundane. Oh well. Time to do something productive while I'm here at, um, "work" Peace out.

Oh and you know what?

The best thing is when you have everything taken from you, and then given back. Then you learn to really appreciate what it is that you have.

Last night was bad and things have changedin both good and bad ways, but everything has been resolved...for now.

The bf was here a for a couple hours. He depelted the majority of my tiny junk food stash and the majority of a can of soup. I always find myself giving him the best/most of what I have and that's fine. Kind of like what my parents do. Makes me wonder if I have a maternal instinc after all *puke*

I'm sleepy and a little hungry. Time to chow down on the soup mommy sent me back with.

First Born

Characteristic Bad Feeling: Guilt
Yes, yes that's me! I have a tendency to feel guilty even when I'm not sure there's a good reason to feel guilty.

Strategies for survival: Placating, Covering Up
Perhaps...

Sense of Justice: People should get what they deserve
Yeah, even I think I get things I don't deserve. Good and bad.

T-shirt: "I don't know, what do you think?"
I'm painfully indecisive and non-commital.

Nature of Humor: Teasing
I have a strange sense of humor.Means of Relating: Placating

Relational: Fears others may be offended, Placater
I have this paranoia. I'm something of a people pleaser, I guess...?

Type of Procrastination: Dreaming instead of doing
Actually, I embrace all forms of procrastination! But dreaming instead of doing is definitely one of them.

Marriage: Goes along with what partner wants
I'm a big fat pushover =\

Common Phrase: "I don't know"
I really don't know.

I'm in such a slump.

So jealous =(

I swear, when I get a steady job I'm going to treat myself to a top of the line Apple notebook. By then they'll have cinema display and still be only, like, 3 lbs =D Can hardly wait.

I've been contemplating the way my life has been going these past few months. A lot has changed, I've become closer to some, further from others. I have a boyfriend now. School is getting more difficult. We're no longer in the dorms. A lot of my friends are now scattered all over California for the better part of the year. It's more difficult to keep contact. I cease to be amazed by those who still support me and still care about me even if I've been flaky about keeping touch (which has been a fault of mine ever since I could remember). I thank those people. I probably don't deserve them, but I have them anyway. I'm lucky. And I'm sorry if I haven't been there as much as I could/should. I can't help feeling that my life is just a huge mess right now, not because anything has gone wrong per se, but because I can't seem to keep track of it and my priorities.

But I'm not alone now, am I?

What do you think?

I went out with two of my (k)rsh buddies today, Sunflower and Sar =) It was fun =D Might get together later to have Sunflower finally meet Damy. I dunno. She has yet to meet my bf. Arr.

Anyway, hmm, I've been saying anyway a lot.

I'm going to peace out now. I'm incredibly full. Oof.

Something is wrong? I don't know. I'm suffering from a headache that keeps switching from one temple to the base of my skull and back. I have pains running through my neck and shoulders. Bah. I'm such a baby.

Damy lent me his old ICS52 book and worked some of his "ghetto magic" on my car so it looks a little more normal now =) Oh joy.

I drank a starbucks doubleshot and a bottled frapp to try and keep me from nodding off in my classes yesterday. I was at XL and (for the sake of consistency) Styna's Thursday night until four-ish talking about apartment matters and...other stuff. Dolphins and such. I had to work at eight in the morning yesterday. I guess you can see where this was going. So yes, I got less that three hours of sleep that night and afterward, I met the bf at the ARC and then went to go wander beaches that we don't go to very often. We first went to Corona del Mar. The tide was incredibly low. The bf gave up on trying to fish and instead we went rock-hopping and looked for hermit crabs and stepped on closed-up sea anemones (they squirt water when you do that =)). We then proceeded down the coast to a small beach in Laguna that we had gone to once at night over the summer. He fished for micro-perch and I...well I'm not sure what I did. Anyway, it's a really nice beach. I wish I had my digital camera when I went. By the time the sun started to set, I was exhausted. Keep in mind that I hadn't slept much the night before and I didn't get a chance to nap. Plus the only thing I had that day was coffee =\ I think all that was making me feel rather...weird. Dizzy, tired, and hungry. Blah. Well we left at sunset and finally went to go eat. And then I got to shower. Then watch LOTR (I've never seen it in it's entirety) then sleep.

Watched Anti-Trust this morning w/ the bf. That was a cool movie =D It's about genuistic (I make up my own words) computer geeks that become heroes. *flashing two thumbs up*

Feel somewhat fatigued. For some reason when I walk it always feels like the ground is moving beneath my feet. Makes me lose my balance sometimes.

The Irvulous one is not going to be renewing his domain, so be on the lookout for a url change...? I don't know. Maybe I'll move my site to web1000, the same place I built the bf's site. *shrug* We'll see.

Was my own fault. Which only makes it worse.

My eyes burn like a mother.

I hate eight o clocks. Esp. work at eight.

I want to make some spam musubi. Mmmm...mechanically electronically histrionically seperated chicken parts.

These little twists and turns in life are nice sometimes...they certainly do make life interesting.

I was caught pleasantly off-guard on Monday when I found out that two of my most deserving friends finally got hooked up...with eachother =D I guess I'm a little belated in posting this, but I guess I got so caught up in their blogs/journals that I forgot to. You should go take a looksee at both of them. They're both sickeningly happy =) And I mean sickening in the best possible way.

My eyes are still burning. I think I'm going to go eat some noodles.

I think I have a calculus quiz in discussion today. And an art history dynasty quiz in discussion tomorrow.

Lordage I think I'm kind of sleepy.

Damy stopped by the MRC last night and it turns out that he has my ICS52 book so he can lend that to me so the bf and I can have two seperate books. Peachy =)

Was playing Literati on the computer while I was working last night. The person was giving me a good booty kicking but seemed to be really nice about everything until the end of the game--I had three U's and one E and I was trying to help R close up so I didn't have time to sit there and think of obscure words with three U's and one E so I kept passing. I think that got my opponent rather p/o'd because right after the game finished up he/she typed "f*ck you, you idiot" and then booted me and then left the room him/herself. Checked his/her stats and realized he/she was a hardcore Literati-er. Frightening.

I'm at work and I'm rather tired. Time to study for that quiz =\

But just had to do these first...=) 13 Jan, Mon, 15:40:59 Google: thugs in speedos
13 Jan, Mon, 16:51:28 Google: "buble tea"
14 Jan, Tue, 03:38:56 Yahoo: kelly chan nipples slip
14 Jan, Tue, 10:02:35 Yahoo: "Tapioca Express" Menu
14 Jan, Tue, 10:59:53 Google: piloerections
14 Jan, Tue, 11:37:13 Google: Why does gobo make you fart?
14 Jan, Tue, 13:43:56 Yahoo: "cobras and matadors"
14 Jan, Tue, 20:11:38 Yahoo: tony romas coupons
14 Jan, Tue, 20:56:55 Google: dr. midori scripps
15 Jan, Wed, 15:18:09 Google: stanford college sorority rush naked pictures
15 Jan, Wed, 17:30:19 Google: "shaving cream" quicktime
15 Jan, Wed, 19:01:37 Yahoo: fruit slush boba

...

Either that or I'm just paranoid. Whatever.

09 Jan, Thu, 04:37:16 Yahoo: order Starbucks doubleshot
09 Jan, Thu, 08:50:15 Google: cobras matadors beverly
09 Jan, Thu, 15:07:48 Google: mitsuwa parking los angeles
09 Jan, Thu, 15:37:42 Google: azn girls in bikinis
09 Jan, Thu, 17:46:25 Google: weird freaks making up questions on the SATs
09 Jan, Thu, 20:08:31 Yahoo: ics, 22 ics "ics 22"
09 Jan, Thu, 22:11:36 MSN Search: Bazooka zooka bubblegum
10 Jan, Fri, 04:23:21 Google: extreme guy midori
11 Jan, Sat, 02:41:35 Yahoo: harisu
11 Jan, Sat, 13:20:33 Google: midori braces
11 Jan, Sat, 23:02:52 Google: xinlei uci
12 Jan, Sun, 06:36:27 Yahoo: midori blog
12 Jan, Sun, 15:49:23 Yahoo: southern university drummajors
12 Jan, Sun, 16:38:58 Google: midori blogger
12 Jan, Sun, 20:31:02 Google: Natina Reed (Blaque)updated

Sunflower and Sar went out today. I couldn't go =(

the Brother:(introducing me to one of his friends after his concert) This is Kelly. She's not my girlfriend.

the Brother: (trying to remember when he had eaten breakfast) Oh yeah...I was watching cartoons.

Daddy: Yes, you were watching them with me, remember?

The bf fed me pineapple (yum) and this odd white fruit that his mom was eating. The pineapple was good. The white fruit was...odd.

Sunset at Seal Beach Jetty. Isn't it gorgeous?

Been going on a lot of fishing trips with the bf lately. [omission due to unforseen circumstances...?] So anyway...yes.

A shot of the pier and a photo of the crab that skittered over my foot

Anyhow it's been a painful week. I'm still not ready to start school yet, and I started a week ago. I still haven't recieved all my books and I really should be doing my calculus right now but I'm not really in the mood for anything school related...hence all my blogging.

So I went to the Newport Pier with the bf last night. His mom wanted fish, but there was nothing in the water. I thought I saw a fish once but it turned out to be a bird swimming underwater. Around midnight the bf spotted a seal. I missed it though, so I was disappointed. But it came out from under the pier a while later, so I watched it chase fish and feed. I've heard seals at the beach at night, but I've never seen them. The bf caught no fish, but he got a ray with thorns on it, and although the other people on the pier weren't having much luck fishing we did see some guy who had somehow managed to catch a starfish. I have no idea.

I've been introduced to him three times already. Once by K, once by the bf, and yesterday I saw him at the ARC and he introduced himself to me. Haha.

It's a lot harder to conceal your feelings when you're around people most of the time. When I was living at home it was a lot easier since I had that much more alone time. Sometimes I miss it. Oh well, I'm going home tonight.

XL was talking about how good those people who are truly happy, inside and out, are. I think so too, and I think that it must be nice to feel really happy and not have to put up a front or anything. As for me, I think I should be happy. I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot more than many other people have. Yet somehow, I still feel like I'm sinking back into the same sort of pseudo-depressed state that I was in for five years back in the day. The worst part is I don't feel that I have a reason to be unhappy, which more or less makes me feel even worse. But what can I do...

On the upside I was talking to Bubble Boy for quite a while the other night and I think it was good for both of us. He's a good listener and I try to be one as well. He is really one of the nicest people I know and he has a good heart.

I think DMan bought me a variation on the thing that Trace and I got Apes for her 18th birthday =X Oh dear.

I'm working until six today. It's slow. I like it.

That's sort of how I'm feeling right now, that mixed with a little bit of sadness. But it's mostly just this awful feeling I have in my stomach. I don't know what it is but...argh.

Maybe it's just that feeling that I'm never going get what I want, or even what I think I deserve, out of any aspect of my life.

It hit me when I was looking at honors opportunities for ICS majors and saw that I have a very good chance at qualifying for ICSHP and possibly even getting accepted--and then I began thinking that if that wonderful thing should happen, there was definitely going to be something that would go wrong. There always is.

And then something else hit me this afternoon that made me wonder whether I should be happy and whether my happiness was based on something real and after all that thinking and all that wondering if my happiness is justified my happiness kind of faded away...

That didn't make that much sense but I don't feel much like explaining it.

And here I am. Feeling a little sad but mostly just bad.

I want to curl up in a corner and sleep for a long, long time...

About to work w/ some photos right now. Will do a photo update soon...later today perhaps?

Very not motivated to do homework or even make myself food. The bf prepared some good instant noodle stuff with these really tasty greens for me last night after work and he said he'd give me a couple containers of instant noodles and shhh not to tell his mommy but he forgot and I forgot and I'm not really all that hungry anyway or else I'd try my hand at making fried rice even though I had some this afternoon.

Feeling fatigued...

Wouldn't be so bad had I not clicked it here at work.

Today is my six-month anniversary and I'm working until eleven. Couldn't find a sub...in fact I couldn't really reach anybody. Oh well...what can I do. The bf is here with me at work (=)) doing his homework on the computer next to me. I really love that fellow and I feel really bad for having to work tonight *sigh* He bought me Jamba Juice this afternoon because I wanted it. Strawberries Wild. Good stuff, but I think Peach Pleasure is still better =)

I slept well last night, but it seems like lately I've been having trouble sleeping. Sometimes I think it's caffeine but sometimes I don't have caffeine...and I still can't sleep. I don't know what's wrong really...I don't know. I've been feeling out of sorts for the past week or so. Maybe it's back to school anxiety.

My lips are dry.

It's 2003 now. 2002 was quite an interesting year...so much has changed in the past 365 days.

...

Good and bad.

I am now getting lost in thoughts I'd rather keep to myself. Peace out.

Be back soon.

I was going to Irvine on Thursday and I was going to get gas on the way to the freeway entrance. One of the lanes on SG Blvd. was blocked by this huge thing. As I was driving past I saw it was a big white thing with this purple spotted thing winding around it. It was a Rose float.

I watched Goldmember...

...and didn't really like it, although it was rather satisfying to see Britney's head blow up. Speaking of Britney, I've got to work on my thumbs down list.

I once licked my teacher

When I was in preschool we shrimpkins were pretending that we were dogs (I have no idea why). I think I got a little too into the role.

My friend once peed on my sock

In preschool we had naptime. We all got our own cot. Once I left my sock under my friend's cot, and I guess she didn't make it to the bathroom in time...

I want to run through the halls of my high school...

...I want to scream at the top of my lungs

(just two of my favorite lines in a song)

So my Chinese math teacher has an accent...

...a Japanese accent. I'm fairly sure the surname Xu is Chinese. Besides, there's no X in Japanese.

My boyfriend cheats at thumbwrestling.

And sometimes I do too.

So after hitting the car I just went on to Nishi as planned and went to service. Afterward I had soba with Mogy and the brother. Mogy and I both used chili powder in our soba and as a result the broth was too spicy to drink.

I left after that and went to the bf's place to chill. I brought over a couple bottles of Ramune, hoping that the bottles would fizz over when we opened them the way it did when I first opened one a couple of days earlier. They didn't, but that's ok. I left his place around 1:30 so he could go to sleep because he had to work the next day.

I headed over to Sar's afterward to chill.

I just realized that I don't seem to have problems with moving objects when I am driving but more...nonmoving objects. You know, curbs, walls (even though I have the feeling that someone else made that scratch...), bushes, and (*gulp*) parked cars.

That's right folks, I backed into a parked car New Year's Eve. It was nighttime and my entire back window was fogged, plus my mind was somewhat preoccupied with other things. In any case I looked into my side window without really seeing anything and backed into the car that is not normally there. Don't I feel like a moron.

That morning my dad went to the hospital to see his mother and they told him that if we were lucky she'd hold out another two weeks...and if we were really lucky she'd hold out another month. Me hitting the car kind of pushed him over the edge for a little bit (he was there when I did it) but neither of my parents seem to be mad at all right now. They pretty much called it an accident and that's it. I'm grateful.

Anyhow I went to go see Bachan in the hospital yesterday and they said she was actually showing improvement. She was lucid and had managed to eat a little food, even though it all tasted bitter to her. She was talking to me but it was about 85 percent Japanese, so you can see where I was having problems...

Anyhow we're all crossing our fingers and hoping she'll make another comeback the way she did last time and be able to go home again.

The better half of my NYE will come when I have a little time to get the photos (not those =X) up. Maybe while I'm doing laundry.

BTW, I got a new toy this Christmas. Mommy and daddy were good to me :)

bf's page

So yes, on the 23rd we had a small celebration of the Sunflowered one's birthday.

On the 27th I went fishing with the bf. Actually, he went fishing while I lay on the blanket in the sun and dabbled in the water. We (he) got skunked that day.

That picture of the pier at Seal Beach isn't that great. The color is off and I couldn't figure out how to fix it.

I have pictures from yesterday still in my camera. I'll have a couple of those up soon.

*pause*

Interesting day/night yesterday. Good and bad.

Maybe more bad then good.

But I got less than three hours of sleep due partially to a few amusingly inebriated people (and one straight up sober one) doing odd things and to the fact that I had gotten to the drunkies' abode quite late because I was at the bf's.

I have pictures.