TWO FINGER SALUTE
Because something rather pissed me off today.
...for making me cry every single day for weeks at a time
...for laughing at me when I was angry
...for laughing at me when I cried
...for getting angry with me when I cried
...for wanting me to lose 5 pounds even though, at the time, I was less than 98 (which is not super skinny but NOT FREAKING OVERWEIGHT FOR SOMEONE MY HEIGHT and wtf because I was like 106 when he first became interested in me)
...for calling me wide
...for calling me chubby (yes all when I was well under a 100 pounds)
...for the following exchange
him: you look nice today.
him: yeah. because usually you look like a mess. (And yes, he was serious)
...for telling me how gorgeous my roommate is and how lucky her boyfriend is because she cooks (so maybe it was true but why the hell did you have to say it?)
...for telling me that my boobs were too small
...for telling me I have a hairy back (WHAT THE HELL???)
...for all the hours I spent crying and arguing with you
...for all of times you hung up on me
...for all the times you said "I don't love you"
...for all the times you literally pushed me off of you when I just wanted to talk things out
...for the times you put the TV (that I was watching) on mute because it was interfering with the sound effects from fucking counterstrike
...for all the times you got mad at me for being late even if my reason for being late was due to bad traffic caused by an accident on the freeway (you were angry because you were sitting around waiting for me to come and didn't know I'd be late...it's seriously not my fault that you refused to get a cell phone and that you told me not to call your house phone)
...for making me cry on my birthday 3 years in a row
...for telling me "Maybe you're just not smart enough." when I was stressing about a class I thought I was going to fail...and after acing the final and ending up with a B+ in the class telling me that my final was probably just misgraded.
...because you never took the slightest interest in anything I was interested in (you didn't even fake it) while in the meantime I was able to impress the crap out of the salesguy in the sporting goods store because my knowledge of saltwater fishing put his to shame
...for recklessly driving my car
...because when I was making and bringing lunch for you twice a week that one quarter our second year, you never thanked me once but complained about one thing or another several times
...for saying something like "I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive you if you were raped" (wth???)
...for getting mad at me for something as stupid as letting a car pass in front of me before crossing the parking lot when it was raining.
...for getting mad at me and making me cry for being "late" to your house on new year's eve, even though it was a misunderstanding on YOUR part because YOU weren't listening carefully. You really made my evening (this was the same day I found out my grandmother was dying and I backed into a parked car)
...for getting mad at me for "not showing up" when you got off of work. I was there early with a sandwich for you and didn't want to get you in trouble by distracting you when you were busy with customers. It's not my fault I didn't see you leave after you went upstairs to punch your timecard. It was nobody's fault and you made it mine
...for getting mad at me for not coming over to celebrate the Angels' victory as soon as you called even though I had a study group to attend because I had a midterm the next morning
...for never, ever apologizing for anything
...for getting mad at me on an anniversary date because I didn't want to go to the beach at 9pm in the middle of January because I wasn't dressed for it...and you knew how easily I get cold
...for always being mad at me
...for all the times you told me you didn't need me
...and most of all, for consciously making sure that you were the "superior" one in the relationship and trying to kill any semblance of self-esteem I had so I'd "need" you. I know this, because you told me this yourself. That list above doesn't even cover half of what you'd do and say to ensure this.
You freaked out when you found out I was seeing someone else not too long after we broke up. Yeah, I moved on quickly. Some people thought I got over him too quickly. I just hope that of all the people who might be reading this that may have thought I moved on too fast, at least one is now instead wondering why I didn't leave him sooner.
I'm ashamed for having put up with that crap for so long, for constantly calling him back every time he hung up on me, for chasing him down every time he (literally) pushed me away, for always apologizing for getting upset even if he had done something wrong.
...at least now I am better able to appreciate the good qualities in anyone I've been with since him.
(this post is very heat of the moment and I don't know how I'm going to feel about it when I read it tomorrow morning so maybe it'll be gone after that. Who knows.)